So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. -Galatians 6:9
This week I learned about yet another pastor who died by
suicide. I thought, “There but by the
grace of God go I.”
Before this past year, I might have wondered whether that
pastor might have been in such deep despair because they weren’t praying
anymore, or reading the Bible anymore.
Had they given up on seeking God or turned away from their faith? But this past year, I went through my own “dark
night of the soul” and now I see how hard it is to pray or read the Bible or
seek God in the midst of depression. I
don’t know anything about that pastor who suicided, and I shouldn’t make
assumptions. I just know I want to do
everything I can to help prevent that from happening.
I am thankful that my husband saw the signs and made an
appointment for me to see our family doctor, and that she helped me find the right
anti-depressant and therapist.
It was so hard to pray during that season, so my husband
would come pray with me and say the words I couldn’t find. I am thankful that somehow I still had words
for sermons as I kept on asking God to work through them in spite of me.
I wondered often whether I ought to quit. Galatians 6:9 kept being God’s answer: Don’t
give up. Keep going.
It was really hard to acknowledge the depression when people
asked me how I was doing, but I am thankful for the people who were safe to
tell how I was really doing. They helped
me to keep seeking help through the doctor and therapist because saying how I
was really doing out loud helped me to see that I wasn’t doing as well as I
told myself I was doing.
What I did have to give up was the pretense that I was
ok. Actually, that’s what I said to my
husband that made him call the doctor for that first appointment. I said I was exhausted from pretending that everything
was fine.
Even with all of the help, I still wondered whether my faltering faith was the problem. Self-doubt looms large in depression. Looking back I can see that the tools of faith helped remind me that God was still there, even when I couldn’t connect:
- My frogs – and they are many – that symbolize fully relying on God. They reminded me that God is trustworthy.
- The scriptures that have gotten engrained in my brain over the years and that the Holy Spirit would bring to mind at just the right moment.
- The relationships that have been such a gift from God. These people were and still are God’s messengers.
And the continuing refrain: Don’t give up. Don’t give up. Don’t give up!
May this be your refrain, too.
Don’t give up on yourself.
Don’t give up on finding help.
Don’t. Give. Up.
Thanks, God.
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If you're struggling with suicide, please call someone.
Wherever you are you can call 988, the national suicide help line.
Google 988 to chat online.
