"When I kept quiet, my bones wore out; I was groaning all day long—every day, every night!—because your hand was heavy upon me. My energy was sapped as if in a summer drought. Selah
So I admitted my sin to you; I didn’t conceal my guilt. “I’ll confess my sins to the Lord,” is what I said. Then you removed the guilt of my sin. Selah
Psalm 32:3-5 Common English Bible
I haven’t posted on this blog in a long time, but Psalm 32 strikes
a chord today.
I’ve been struggling with depression, but also with
deconstruction/reconstruction. I’m going through a season of coming to terms
with my faith – what I really believe versus what I’ve been told I’m supposed
to believe.
This is spiritual growth and I know it’s a process, but it’s
hard. There’s no road map other than to
keep talking with God and close allies about it. Depression has made prayer
extra challenging. I am thankful that I
can say to my husband, “I need help today. Come pray with me.”
It’s a particular challenge to be sorting through all this as
a pastor while also writing and preaching weekly sermons. This means my faith struggle affects more
than just me, especially since faith is full of practices that we do together
and that I’m responsible for leading.
I have told my church about my depression, and had some
one-on-one conversations with people about deconstruction, but I don’t talk
about it in sermons directly. Maybe it
comes through anyway?
I know reading different theology is helpful, but depression
makes it hard to stick through dense reading, so I’ve kept at it in small
bits. Lately one of my favorites is
Shirley Guthrie, but I am trying to branch out more.
I am thankful that God is faithful and patient.
The long and winding road
That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here
Lead me to your door[1]
What about you? Have
you gone through something like this?
What’s helped you?
[1] Songwriters: John Lennon / Paul McCartney The
Long and Winding Road lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
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